A great quote from Uncle Joey
June 17th, 2006 by ktula
You gotta keep the peace to use the piece.
- Uncle Joey, referring to relationships with women in general
Archive for the 'Humor' Category
Space travel on the cheap. Real cheap.
May 28th, 2006 by ktula
On page 9 of the May 27-28th 2006 edition of the english China Daily, the caption under the picture reads:
China showcases its quatum leaps in space travel every two years at the Zhuhai aerospace show.
I’d like to see someone fly that self-propelled glider into the space.
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Take that all ya STDs!
May 21st, 2006 by ktula
The very first things i noticed after entering the bathroom in my room at the Fuzhou Lakeside Hotel were a few stacked packets of what i thought were condoms because of the large wordings in front of the packet that read “ONLY FOR MAN”. I was half right. The packet does contain a condom, as written across the top left corner of the packet in Chinese “comes with quality condom”, but i did not notice that until much later.
Flipping over to the back of the packet, and i kid you not, the exact description (including the original typos) is:
This product is specially designed for washing men’s genitals.
Ok, i have to admit that i was laughing so hard i almost dropped it into the toilet. This is no laughing matter because each packet of these genital-washing fluid costs RMB 10 (about USD 1.50).
As the pure Chinese medicinal preparation, it can quickly kill any kinds latent germs and pathgen.
I was kind of confused by what it is trying to say but on reading the Chinese portion of the description, apparently, they are trying to convey that “It is made purely with Chinese medicine. It can be used to kill germs, reduce itchiness, remove odor, moisturize and keep you healthy.” Ok, this is not so bad. But the next phrase completely floored me.
It’s suitable for using at home, on trip,or in swimming ,especially before or after sexual intercourse.
Wahahahahaha…….I totally lost it, laughing that is. Why would someone walk around at home with this applied all over his genitals? If your home is so unsanitary that you can contract STDs (i assume) just by walking around, may be having sexual intercourse should not be your highest priority. Gee, i can’t even go swimming without having to worry about what’s gonna happen to my ding dong? But fear not,
It can prevent any infectiousdiseases.
Holy cow! Take that all you wicked STD biyatches! What is that stuff made of anyway, concentrated sulphuric acid ??? What is this sizzling sound and a burning sensation that i am feeling now…In a bigger font at the bottom of the packet, this should allay any worries you have on losing a layer of your skin after applying this product:
No irritation to skin. Please use it at ease.
Now that is good to know. So how do i use it?
Directions: Use this product on and around the pudenda by massaging for 2-3 minutes, then rinse with clean water and wipe with a pasteurized wet towel .It can get a better effect to be used in bath.
What what what ??!! Pudenda? I have a pudenda ???!! According to the online Merriam Webter dictionary, pudenda is “the external genital organs of a human being and especially of a woman” and according to one of the definitions in the Urban Dictionary, it is also a slang for “Hot women, esp in large groups at social functions“. It made a lot more sense after i noticed a slightly different color but similar packet behind the first one i was looking at. This one is “ONLY FOR WOMAN”. The description at the back of the packet is exactly the same as the “ONLY FOR MAN”. The only difference is that it says “women’s genitals” instead of “men’s genitals”. It’s a relief knowing that i do not have a poon tang (Thanks to The Rock for letting me know about this phrase, and Eric - a former co-worker of mine - for shushing me and then explaining to me in a whisper what it meant after i yelled out to him at work “Hey Eric, what is poon tang pie?”).
Flipping back to the front of the packet on the “FOR MAN ONLY”, i noticed this at the bottom:
The 53rd of Miss World Final Appointed Products
What “Appointed Products”? It’s a little clearer after reading the Chinese part of it on top of the English one. It is trying to say “Official Product for the 53rd Miss World Pageant”. How does it help to sell it to men knowing that this product was applied to the pubes of all the female contestants (i assume all contestants in the Miss World Pageant are exclusively female)?
I wonder. Imagine the look on the poor bloke’s face whose air of invinsibility and immunity to STDs evaporated after going on a binge frequenting every known brothels in the neighborhood for a week and then wake up one morning to find rashes and what have you on his “frank and beans”. “It can prevent any infectiousdiseases” - please, the typo is a dead give-away.
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Swiss hunks for the ladies?
April 21st, 2006 by ktula
BBC reported that the “Swiss Tourist Board hopes scenes of bare-chested hunks tossing hay in mountain valleys will entice women dreading a summer of World Cup boredom”.
The Swiss Tourist Board produced a downloadable video, which is said to have “attracted interest from around the world, despite only having been broadcast on the internet.”
Here’s my version with tribute to my Swiss buddy Marco “The Whiner”.
Continue reading ‘Swiss hunks for the ladies?’
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I saw this last weekend…
April 9th, 2006 by ktula
I was driving south bound on Aurora when i saw an Isuzu Rodeo in front of my car with a license plate frame that said:
Don’t Tucha My Car
I Suz U
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Bad Yahoo! caption
March 15th, 2006 by ktula
Without clicking on the picture in the Yahoo! article about a child porn ring being busted, the caption under the photo made her looked like she’s one of the child pornographers busted!
To find out who she actually is, you have to click on the photo and then scroll down the tiny area reserved for the caption on the right side of the photo:
“An international ring of child pornographers has been busted for streaming live videos of molestations on the Internet, officials said. Some of those videos included “molestation on demand” of both children and infants and the images are “truly horrifying,” said Julie Myers, the assistant secretary for US Immigration and Customs Enforcement.(AFP/Getty Images/File)”
Isn’t it better to have a caption of “Julie Myers, the assistant secretary for US Immigration and Customs Enforcement“, instead of all the mumbo jumbo that almost certainly resulted in her being assumed as a child pornographer?
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Dick Cheney hunting mishap jokes
February 14th, 2006 by ktula
If you are in need of a good laugh, get all the Dick Cheney hunting mishap jokes here. Some of the funniest ones from late night shows are:
- “Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt … making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird.” –Jon Stewart
- “Now, this story certainly has its humorous aspects. … But it also raises a serious issue, one which I feel very strongly about. … moms, dads, if you’re watching right now, I can’t emphasize this enough: Do not let your kids go on hunting trips with the vice president. I don’t care what kind of lucrative contracts they’re trying to land, or energy regulations they’re trying to get lifted - it’s just not worth it.” –Jon Stewart
- “The Vice President is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Whittington. Now, according to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush. And while the quail turned out to be a 78- year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr. Wittington’s face.” –”Daily Show” correspondent Rob Corddry
- “Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter, a 78-year-old lawyer. In fact, when people found out he shot a lawyer, his popularity is now at 92 percent.” –Jay Leno
- “Cheney’s defense is that he was aiming at a quail when he shot the guy. Which means that Cheney now has the worst aim of anyone in the White House since Bill Clinton.” –Jay Leno
- “I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he screamed, ‘Anyone else want to call domestic wiretapping illegal?’” –Jay Leno
- “When the ambulance got there, out of force of habit they put Cheney on the stretcher. No, the other guy!” –Jay Leno
- “The weather back East has been atrocious. There was so much snow in Washington, D.C., Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fat guy thinking it was a polar bear.” –Jay Leno
And my very own: You can’t duck Dick!
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Increasing the credit limit of your credit card in China
December 20th, 2005 by ktula
This is a true story. One of the IBMers i am working with told me what happened to his co-worker when he tried to increase the credit limit on his credit card. Because he was planning to travel to the US, he wanted to increase his credit limit from RMB 20,000 (USD $2,500) to RMB 40,000. So he called his credit card company to make his request. One week later, he received a Visa card issued by the same bank with a credit limit of RMB 10,000. A few days later, he received a MasterCard with the same credit limit. Within the next two weeks, he received two more credit cards from the same bank, each one with credit limit of RMB 10,000. So in total, he had received 4 credit cards with total credit limit of RMB 40,000!