Take that all ya STDs!
The very first things i noticed after entering the bathroom in my room at the Fuzhou Lakeside Hotel were a few stacked packets of what i thought were condoms because of the large wordings in front of the packet that read “ONLY FOR MAN”. I was half right. The packet does contain a condom, as written across the top left corner of the packet in Chinese “comes with quality condom”, but i did not notice that until much later.
Flipping over to the back of the packet, and i kid you not, the exact description (including the original typos) is:
This product is specially designed for washing men’s genitals.
Ok, i have to admit that i was laughing so hard i almost dropped it into the toilet. This is no laughing matter because each packet of these genital-washing fluid costs RMB 10 (about USD 1.50).
As the pure Chinese medicinal preparation, it can quickly kill any kinds latent germs and pathgen.
I was kind of confused by what it is trying to say but on reading the Chinese portion of the description, apparently, they are trying to convey that “It is made purely with Chinese medicine. It can be used to kill germs, reduce itchiness, remove odor, moisturize and keep you healthy.” Ok, this is not so bad. But the next phrase completely floored me.
It’s suitable for using at home, on trip,or in swimming ,especially before or after sexual intercourse.
Wahahahahaha…….I totally lost it, laughing that is. Why would someone walk around at home with this applied all over his genitals? If your home is so unsanitary that you can contract STDs (i assume) just by walking around, may be having sexual intercourse should not be your highest priority. Gee, i can’t even go swimming without having to worry about what’s gonna happen to my ding dong? But fear not,
It can prevent any infectiousdiseases.
Holy cow! Take that all you wicked STD biyatches! What is that stuff made of anyway, concentrated sulphuric acid ??? What is this sizzling sound and a burning sensation that i am feeling now…In a bigger font at the bottom of the packet, this should allay any worries you have on losing a layer of your skin after applying this product:
No irritation to skin. Please use it at ease.
Now that is good to know. So how do i use it?
Directions: Use this product on and around the pudenda by massaging for 2-3 minutes, then rinse with clean water and wipe with a pasteurized wet towel .It can get a better effect to be used in bath.
What what what ??!! Pudenda? I have a pudenda ???!! According to the online Merriam Webter dictionary, pudenda is “the external genital organs of a human being and especially of a woman” and according to one of the definitions in the Urban Dictionary, it is also a slang for “Hot women, esp in large groups at social functions“. It made a lot more sense after i noticed a slightly different color but similar packet behind the first one i was looking at. This one is “ONLY FOR WOMAN”. The description at the back of the packet is exactly the same as the “ONLY FOR MAN”. The only difference is that it says “women’s genitals” instead of “men’s genitals”. It’s a relief knowing that i do not have a poon tang (Thanks to The Rock for letting me know about this phrase, and Eric – a former co-worker of mine – for shushing me and then explaining to me in a whisper what it meant after i yelled out to him at work “Hey Eric, what is poon tang pie?”).
Flipping back to the front of the packet on the “FOR MAN ONLY”, i noticed this at the bottom:
The 53rd of Miss World Final Appointed Products
What “Appointed Products”? It’s a little clearer after reading the Chinese part of it on top of the English one. It is trying to say “Official Product for the 53rd Miss World Pageant”. How does it help to sell it to men knowing that this product was applied to the pubes of all the female contestants (i assume all contestants in the Miss World Pageant are exclusively female)?
I wonder. Imagine the look on the poor bloke’s face whose air of invinsibility and immunity to STDs evaporated after going on a binge frequenting every known brothels in the neighborhood for a week and then wake up one morning to find rashes and what have you on his “frank and beans”. “It can prevent any infectiousdiseases” – please, the typo is a dead give-away.